Top 10 Bizarre Up Theirs Adventures

When I had the idea of making a top ten list of “up yours” adventures I shuddered at all the long hours of research I would have to do to find any writing on the subject. I could not have been more wrong. Apparently, there are a lot of people sticking all kinds of things up their rectums and getting them either jammed in there or losing them entirely. The amount of info on the subject is incredible. After wading very carefully through the mess, here are the top ten items. Please, do not try any of these at home. I am sure these people were all professional rectum adventurers with plenty of experience.

I couldn’t believe the name of this Indian company when I was looking for a picture, I couldn’t have done better :)

Overheard from one inmate to another: "Could you bend over? I need to make a call."

While I probably do not have to say more than that, the fact that so many of us purchase used phones demands that I do. The next time you purchase a recycled cell phone, you might want to give it the old "sniff" test.

In a Mexico prison in Zacatras, it was called to official's attention that the outside world was receiving phone calls from inmates. During a round of x-rays of the prisoners, they discovered that one particular gang had put cell phones wrapped in plastic bags in their rectums. Each member also had extra chips and one poor soul had a charger up there. Can you imagine having to take a cell phone dump every time you wanted to place a call? I guess that is what they had to do unless they learned how to text with their colons. I heard that one inmate went into spasms when he received a call because it was set to vibrate.

A high-ranking prison official in Texas received a call from the mother of an inmate complaining about the terrible reception on her son's cell phone. She was mad because she paid good money for the service and thought the prison's reception should be better.

No, it’s not a turd!

Overheard in Emergency Room "I put RESIN in my ass? I thought it said RAISONS!"

This is the case of a 27-year-old unemployed man that showed up at a hospital with lower abdominal discomfort. He injected resinous liquids into his rectum via a dual-chambered glue gun, resulting in an exothermic reaction that caused the mixture to solidify and become fixed internally. This resin is meant for use in the building and construction trade as a masonry adhesive. He admitted to have done this for anal erotic pleasure.

It is incredible what lengths some people will go to in order to enhance their sexual experience. This one, however, I just cannot wrap my head around what his end game might have been. As sick as it is, it does not even make remote sense. How is putting an industrial strength adhesive in your peek-a-boo going to enhance anything? What this poor idiot did get is a nice colostomy bag to crap out of for a few weeks. They say, "To each his own," but maybe someone should keep an eye on this idiot. I don't think he will learn a lesson easily, even a hard one.

Overheard in the Kitchen "Did you drink my last bottle of coke? Drink it… uh…no, I did not drink it."

This is just one of the 240+ Objects that this 42 year old toilet cleaner, Fred Ebullana, accounts for his World Record. When told of his achievement he just replied:

"I just cannot believe it!. It's not that I was trying to get into the record books or anything I'm just so accident prone. I'm always falling over and impaling myself on various objects around the house. I'm so proud to have achieved this, just wait until I call my Mum, she will be so proud of me."

One person that certainly doesn't count Fred's record as remarkable is Dr. Raj Persaude. (photo above)

Of all the things a freak could put up his rectum, this one is not even funny. It is such a shame to waste such an excellent product as this on a part of your body so far from the taste buds. Unless his boyfriend was ready with a straw, this is just sad. My advice to this ass-clown is this, the next time, use Dr. Pepper, and save yourself a trip to the ER. Coke is the REAL thing, not the REAM thing, you idiot.

Overheard, two nurses in a hospital cafeteria while waiting for bomb squad to give the all clear "Talk about your butt bangers, this one must have been a baby-boomer."

This one is actually somewhat sad. A friend of mine had a grandfather who suffered from piles. It is such a terrible and painful condition, especially for the elderly. This poor guy had it so bad that his hemorrhoids would hang and snag on his underwear seam. He would push it back into his anus to try to get some relief. I would imagine he tried several items before realizing that the souvenir artillery shell he had kept from the war worked best. Then the old Vet got it stuck up there. When the ER docs found out it was a live shell, they had the local bomb squad disarm it before they went in after it.

Overheard Attending ER Physician "I hope it's turned on so I can see what I'm doing."

I know it must be dark in an idiot's nether-regions but this is definitely overkill. What happened, did he lose his car keys? Did he forget what he had for lunch and decide to put a little light on the subject? Perhaps his boyfriend is afraid of the dark. Whatever the reasons he had for sticking a flashlight up his rectum, I am pretty sure the hospital staff found it quite illuminating. Talk about the lighter side of medicine. Can you imagine how the conversation with the doctor went?

Patient's boyfriend- "Uh… doctor, I stuck a flashlight up my boyfriends…, you know."

Doctor- "Rectum?"

Patient's boyfriend- "Rectum… no, I only wounded him. But there is a flashlight up his ass."

Doctor- "What were you looking for?"

Patient's boyfriend- "Nothing, I just wanted to light up his life."

Doctor- "That was not very bright."

Patient- "Maybe the batteries are dead."

This must be where he bought it

Overheard in the Ambulance "What is that odor? It smells like the Avon lady shit herself."

A 39-year-old male married lawyer presented with a self- inserted perfume bottle in his rectum that he was unable to remove using various objects, including a back scratcher. He had inserted this bottle on previous occasions. The object, "Impulse Body Spray", was removed manually after a spinal anesthetic.

Do you suppose this guy has never heard of a courtesy flush and decided to do something about the way his shit smells? Could it be that he was trying to develop a new fragrance, Ode de Asshole? It kind of makes you wonder if, every time he bent over, a fine fragrant mist spritzed out of his butt. If he farted in public, did he put his hand up to his mouth demurely and say, "Oops, pardon my impulse." You cannot help but laugh at the irony of having to have perfume removed from your ass. I guess that if you absolutely have to jam something up there, body spray would be the way to go. Maybe he thought it said body cavity spray. I would hate to think he did not know it is for external use only. Maybe someone should check the poor person for dyslexia as well. IMPULSE not IN--ANUS!

"Has anyone seen my ping pong balls?"

A 20-year-old man presented to the emergency room complaining of rectal pain. Upon questioning, the patient said that 4 hours earlier he and his boyfriend had been "fooling around." After mixing a batch of concrete, he laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45-degree angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum. After the concrete mass hardened, it became so painful that he sought medical care.

Not only did this dummy let his boyfriend give him an enema with cement, when the doctors took an x-ray, they could see something else embedded in the hardened mixture in his butt. You might say that this was concrete evidence that the patient was not telling doctors the whole truth. Once they removed the cement plug, they chipped away the top to reveal a ping-pong ball. "So that's where it went!" Apparently, the patient forgot about an earlier adventure. I wonder if the boyfriend knew.

Overheard in the Operating Room "I hope it's not screwed in to a lamp."

It is unbelievable to me that the doctor was able, must less willing, to get a fragile glass light bulb out of his ass without breaking it. You have to applaud the ingenuity of the doctor and his inventive technique for removing it intact. What is even more amazing is how did the guy get in up there intact in the first place? Can you imagine how painful it would have been if it had broken before he could have it removed? (I cannot) Do you think the doctor would have freaked out if the light bulb had turned on while sticking out of this genius's ass? When normal people have a great idea, a bulb goes on over their head. I guess this is what happens when some freak have a shitty idea.

Overheard in the E R "Maybe he lost his cat up there and did not want it to go hungry!"

In San Francisco, a 32 year old male was complaining of a sudden onset of lower-quadrant abdominal pain. After the emergency call, the paramedics’ team arrived at the residence, they found the man on the toilet wincing with pain and telling them that he had done something "really stupid." Upon examination, they found that the man had a frozen fish up his ass. The man had inserted the fish, head-first up his ass. After two or three "strokes," as he put it, it thawed out enough that the dorsal fin extended, making removal next to impossible.

Shoving a fish up your poo hole can only mean one thing; well, two actually, the first being you are sick in the head. However, it could also mean that you were trying to disguise the scent of your crap spitter and make it smell more like something else. Newsflash, dipstick… unless you were trying to get your boyfriend to cast his rod in your fishing hole, your butt will never smell like a pussy, at least, not that kind of pussy, anyway. You might try smearing cat piss all over it and making it purr. Short of that, it is just another asshole with a fish in it.

Overheard ER Doctor to Ambulance driver. "Why didn't you rush him to the Emergency Veterinary Clinic?"

This is reportedly another case of Mr. Ebullana, (see the Coke Bottle above) and his 240+ inserted objects World Record.

Gerbiling as a torture has been around for centuries. It was a particularly nasty form of female torture and was usually fatal. I believe they used a rat under Augusto Pinochet's regime in Chile. However, just because there are no documented cases does not mean it is not being done. (Just ask Richard Gere.) The point of Gerbiling is to allow the furry little creature to dance the Lambada on the prostate during homosexual intercourse. Once the story about Richard Gere came out, even if it is not true, there is no doubt in my mind that a great number of weirdoes tried it. I would think, however, that you would have to declaw them and even then, you have to worry about them chewing through your intestines. Those little buggers have very sharp teeth according to Mr. Ebullana.

By the way, here's a small selection of the 240+ things Mr.Ebullana has had removed from his anal cavity:

• Rubik's Cube
• Barbie Doll
• 12 inch Vibrator
• Vacuum cleaner hose
• Cricket ball
• Electric shaver
• Tin of baked beans
• Baseball bat
• My Little Pony toy
• a Pineapple
• IPod (60Gb)